well I can't set my house on fire every night
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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