I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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