she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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