you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
