Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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