Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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