You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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