I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
