I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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