Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
