you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
