Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
