you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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