matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
