DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
