my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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