The maid of honor just puked.
too bad you live with your parents still
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
