New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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