Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
