i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
