i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
