Will you blow on my dice?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
