Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Can you repeat that, but with context?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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