I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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