does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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