he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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