i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
