I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize