Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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