you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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