And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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