Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
