our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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