new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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