i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
