I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
