My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
she pinky promised me she was 18
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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