it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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