I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
