Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize