you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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