Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
