how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
