I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
