Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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