What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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