Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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