I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
