I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
