dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
