God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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