im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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