I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
false alarm, still single
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
