I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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