Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
