Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
