That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I miss vodka workout Fridays
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
